When your daughter takes over your blog….

This blog is not my usual blog, today’s blog is written by my daughter Bonnie.

Hey, my name is Bonnie. I am 13 years old and I have Asperger’s syndrome. Today with help from my mum I would like to blog about my obsessions and how they make me feel.

I understand that most people have obsessions but for me the obsessions are much more intense. I have recently recognised that some of these obsessions are unhealthy for me, despite the fact that from the outside they may appear to be good for my physical and mental well being.

Take for example my obsession with ‘Exercise and Diet’. Everyone knows that in order to be healthy we must take regular exercise and watch what we eat and drink. I started to work out to you tube videos because I wanted to feel better about myself. It wasn’t my plan to become a gym freak but I just wanted to spend some time working on my body, maybe toning up a bit and feeling those endorphins flow. My sisters get regular exercise at school but because I am home schooled I am aware that I need to motivate myself to exercise. The problem for me is that I became obsessed with the workouts.

What started as a 10 minute easy work out once a day progressed to 30 minutes of intensive exercise that is meant for more experienced people that have spent months building up to these exercises. I went from the 10 minute workouts to the 30 minute workouts in a week. When I look back I don’t know what I was thinking. You see for 13 I am pretty switched on to the downsides of having Asperger’s and one of those is that I get really tired. I understand that for most people working out for 30 minutes a day would not be that hard but for me the knock on effect is huge. The other major issue though was the anxiety that this obsession created. For me I was caught in a catch 22 situation. I wanted to work out but my body was too tired, my brain wanted me to full fill the desire to work out but the anxiety of not being able to do so made me feel extremely stressed. I’m literally tired just thinking about it.

At the same time I was increasing the amount of water that I was drinking as this too was something that went hand in hand with the exercise, and so was my diet. Let me explain. So I needed to drink more water, but there is only so much water that your body can physically handle. My obsession meant that I was caught up in inner turmoil with what I wanted to do and yet what I physically should not do. I used to say to myself “I need to drink more water, but I can’t”. It had been brought to my attention that you could drown from drinking too much water. I know that I was not at that point but you must understand that for me my obsession could have taken me to that place.

I had a similar situation going on with food. I cut out all the processed food, sugar, fat etc but that meant that I left myself on a diet with very few calories. This did not help with the tiredness or give me enough energy to work out. I didn’t need to become this obsessive about food, I already have a healthy vegetarian diet.

On the other hand I have some obsessions that I class as healthy. One of the obsessions that I have had for about the last 18 months has been Kanye West.

Obsession makes it sound rather stalker(ish) when you are talking about a person but that is not the case. My interest in Kanye is something that I feel I can control much more easier, and if I spend more time on social media reading his tweets then the consequences are not life threatening in the way that the Exercise/ Diet Obsession is.

He too has mental health issues that mean that some of his tweets cause controversy but I find some of his tweets refreshing and at times inspirational. I find that we think in a very similar way and that we have similarities. For example Kanye went on the Ellen Show and I felt that when Kanye went off on a tangent, talking about his passion for making the world a better place, Ellen gave him a look as though he was crazy. I face those looks too. I’m not saying that Ellen did not understand him or that people do not try to understand how I feel but they do not share the same connection.

It’s hard to explain but when I spend time looking at his tweet’s and watching documentaries about him etc it makes me feel happy. I find that the world has very few icons who talk about their mental health issues. I find it refreshing that with all that he has to deal with he still manages to be a successful rapper and fashion designer. That gives me hope that I too can overcome my issues to become something. It may be harder for us to achieve things in life but I still have hopes and dreams and it may take me longer and I may have to work harder but I will make something of myself.